Why Some People Rely on AI More Than Their Partner

1. AI feels easier and safer than conflict

AI doesn't judge or argue. For someone who finds conflict stressful, asking a chatbot can feel safer than being vulnerable with a partner. There's no risk of escalation, no hurt feelings, no need to navigate tone or body language.

If your partner grew up in an environment where expressing feelings led to conflict, or if past relationships made them wary of vulnerability, AI can feel like a relief. It's always calm, always receptive, never defensive. (Mind you, that's also what makes it so artificial, but in the moment, it doesn't feel that way.)

2. AI appears objective, even when it isn't

Many people treat AI as a neutral referee. ‘I asked ChatGPT and it said…' becomes a way to validate their perspective. But AI isn't neutral. It reflects patterns from its training data and responds to how questions are phrased. It can reinforce biases, oversimplify nuanced situations, or confidently present information that's simply wrong.

Research from organisations like the AI Now Institute has documented how AI systems can perpetuate and amplify existing biases rather than providing truly objective guidance.

When your partner quotes AI as an authority during a disagreement, it quietly undermines your perspective. It suggests that machine-generated text holds more weight than your lived experience or emotional reality. Fair enough, sometimes we all want an outside opinion, but AI isn't that. It's a pattern-matching algorithm, not a relationship counsellor.

3. AI offers instant validation

AI's always available and always responsive. Had a rough day? AI will listen. Wondering if you overreacted? AI will reassure you. That quick reassurance can become a habit, especially when human connection requires waiting, explaining, or sitting with discomfort.

Unlike a partner who might need time to process or may disagree with your interpretation, AI typically validates your perspective immediately. That feels good, even when it might not be what you actually need. (I'll be honest, I've seen this pattern in my own life – when you're upset, instant validation feels better than ‘let me think about that', even if the latter's more helpful.)

Research on human-AI relationships identified what scholars call the ‘paradox of emotional connection with AI': people seek intimacy and emotional support from AI when they're lonely and sad, but are ultimately saddened by the lack of depth and authenticity in these relationships. The very tool people turn to for comfort can become a source of disappointment, creating what researchers describe as ‘bittersweet' emotions associated with AI companionship.

4. Emotional outsourcing becomes a pattern

It often starts small. Asking AI what to text back when you're nervous. Using it to draft an apology when you're not sure what to say. Checking how to respond when you feel hurt. These individual moments don't feel significant, but over time they create a pattern where AI becomes the interpreter of your emotions rather than working through them yourself or with your partner.

The problem isn't using AI occasionally for help with communication. The problem's when it becomes the automatic first step, replacing the internal reflection and direct conversation that build intimacy. Understanding how AI chatbots work can help you recognise when you're outsourcing emotional processing rather than engaging in genuine self-reflection.

5. It replaces internal reflection

Instead of processing thoughts internally or with a partner, someone may ask AI to interpret their feelings for them. ‘Am I being unreasonable?' ‘Should I be upset about this?' ‘What does it mean that they said X?'

This outsources the emotional work of understanding yourself. And when AI provides an answer, it can short-circuit the deeper conversation you might've had with your partner about why something bothered you, what you need, or how you both see the situation differently.

6. AI doesn't require vulnerability

Sharing something difficult with a partner means risking their reaction. They might not understand immediately. They might be tired or distracted. They might have their own feelings about it. AI removes all of that. You can be as vulnerable as you want without any social or emotional cost.

But that false sense of intimacy can make real human connection feel harder by comparison. When your partner doesn't respond perfectly the first time, it can feel disappointing rather than simply human.

MIT sociologist Sherry Turkle, who has studied human-technology relationships for decades, identifies this as a fundamental problem with what she calls ‘artificial intimacy'. As Turkle explains in her research, ‘The trouble with this is that when we seek out relationships of no vulnerability, we forget that vulnerability is really where empathy is born. I call this pretend empathy, because the machine does not empathize with you. It does not care about you.' Without the friction and vulnerability of real relationships, we lose the very experiences that teach us how to connect authentically with others.

For more on how these dynamics develop, see AI Chatbots: The Hidden Dangers You Need to Know.

Signs Your Partner May Be Relying on AI Too Much

• They check AI first when something's wrong. Instead of talking to you, they ask a chatbot how to feel or what to do. You might notice them going quiet and typing on their phone before bringing something up with you.
• They quote AI advice in arguments or decisions. The AI becomes an authority figure. Phrases like ‘Well, I asked ChatGPT and it said…' start appearing in conversations where your perspective should matter most.
• They avoid difficult conversations by saying they'll ask AI. This signals emotional avoidance. Instead of talking through a disagreement or working through something together, they defer to AI as a way to sidestep the discomfort of direct communication.
• They rely on AI for reassurance instead of you. They ask AI if they overreacted rather than discussing it with you. This can feel particularly hurtful when you're right there, available to talk, but they choose a machine instead.
• AI-generated messages become common. Polished or generic texts appear in place of personal communication. You might notice that messages suddenly sound different – more formal or strangely phrased – because they've been written by AI rather than your partner.
• AI influences emotional or relationship decisions. AI becomes part of choices that should be discussed together. Whether it's how to handle a conflict with family, whether to make a big life change, or how to approach a sensitive topic, AI's consulted before or instead of you.
• They seem more emotionally available to AI than to you. They share worries, fears, or thoughts with AI that they don't share with you. You might discover they've been having detailed conversations with a chatbot about things you didn't even know were bothering them.
• AI chat histories are hidden or deleted. If your partner's defensive about what they discuss with AI, or regularly clears their chat history, it suggests they know the level of reliance has crossed a line.

When AI Use Becomes a Relationship Problem

Not all AI use is problematic. Using AI to plan a date, look up information, or organise your calendar is practical and harmless. But it becomes a relationship issue when:

• Your conversations feel mediated by AI instead of direct and human. Your partner seems to filter everything through AI before speaking to you, which creates an artificial barrier between you.
• Your perspective's dismissed because the AI disagrees. Your feelings, experiences, or knowledge are treated as less valid than what a chatbot says.
• Important topics are outsourced rather than discussed together. Decisions that affect both of you are being run past AI without involving you in the conversation.
• AI chats about personal issues are kept hidden. Secrecy around what your partner discusses with AI suggests they know it would bother you, which itself is a problem.
• You feel sidelined, unheard, or second-guessed. The emotional impact matters. If AI use is making you feel less important, less trusted, or less valued, that's a valid concern regardless of your partner's intentions.
• Emotional intimacy's declining. Your partner shares less with you, seems more distant, or turns to AI for comfort instead of you when things are difficult. Research from The Gottman Institute shows that emotional connection requires consistent, genuine interaction that AI simply cannot replace.
• AI's used to avoid accountability. Your partner uses AI-generated apologies or explanations as a substitute for genuine emotional engagement. They might say ‘I asked AI how to apologise' rather than taking responsibility themselves.

What makes AI particularly problematic in relationships is its fundamental lack of reciprocity. As psychologists studying human-AI relationships have documented, whilst AI systems appear to meet fundamental human needs for connection, they lack true reciprocity, often exhibit sycophantic behaviour, and are driven by engagement-focused design rather than genuine care. Research shows that whilst self-disclosure in human relationships typically leads to psychological benefits and deepening intimacy, disclosure to AI chatbots can heighten psychological vulnerability, particularly for those with limited human support networks.

If several of these apply, it's time to talk. Not because your partner's doing something unforgivable, but because the dynamic's shifted in a way that's affecting your relationship.

How to Talk About It Without Blame

This conversation needs to happen, but approaching it with accusation or defensiveness will make it harder. The goal isn't to make your partner feel ashamed for using AI. The goal's to talk about what's happening and why it matters to you.

Research on effective relationship communication from Psychology Today emphasises the importance of using ‘I' statements and focusing on observable behaviours rather than assumed motivations.

Start with what you've noticed, not what you assume

You could say:

I've noticed we rely on AI a lot when something's wrong. When you ask AI before talking to me, I feel pushed out of the conversation. Can we discuss when we want to use AI and when we'd rather speak directly?

Or:

I've noticed you've been turning to ChatGPT for advice about things we used to talk through together. I'm not saying you shouldn't use it, but I feel a bit sidelined when I'm not part of those conversations. Can we talk about it?

The key's to focus on specific behaviours and how they make you feel, rather than making broad accusations like ‘you trust AI more than me.' That puts them on the defensive. Describing what you've noticed invites a conversation.

Ask what they're getting from AI that they're not getting from you

This isn't about blame. It's about understanding. Maybe they feel judged when they talk to you. Maybe they're worried about your reaction. Maybe they just got into a habit and didn't realise how much they were relying on it. (Fair enough, I've done similar things with work – turned to Google Docs instead of asking my partner's opinion because it felt simpler in the moment. Doesn't make it right, but it's understandable.)

You could ask:

What does it give you that feels helpful? Is there something I could do differently that would make it easier to talk to me instead?

This opens up a conversation about underlying needs rather than focusing only on the AI use itself.

Set shared boundaries around AI

Rather than banning AI or pretending it doesn't exist, decide together how you want it to fit into your relationship. Discuss:

• When AI's appropriate to use for personal matters and when it isn't
• Which conversations should stay human, such as anything involving your relationship, big decisions, or emotional topics
• Whether AI should be used during disagreements, and if so, how
• How you both feel about AI-generated apologies or messages, and whether those feel genuine or impersonal
• What transparency means for AI chat histories, and whether certain topics should be shared with each other rather than kept private
• What to do if one of you feels the other's relying too much on AI

These boundaries aren't rules you impose on each other. They're agreements you create together about how you want to communicate and stay connected. 

Acknowledge that AI isn't the problem, the pattern is

AI's a tool. The problem isn't that it exists or that your partner uses it. The problem's when it replaces human connection in ways that create distance. Make that clear so your partner doesn't feel like they have to choose between technology and you.

Healthy vs Unhealthy AI Use in Relationships

Not all AI use is equal. Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy patterns can help you identify what's actually concerning and what's just modern life. Research from the Pew Research Center on technology and relationships provides valuable context for these distinctions.

Healthy AI use in relationships

• Looking up neutral information together, such as ‘What time does that restaurant close?' or ‘What's the weather going to be like this weekend?'
• Planning dates, trips, or activities using AI to generate ideas or organise logistics
• Organising tasks or reminders, like creating a shared shopping list or setting up calendar events
• Clarifying language or ideas when one partner's struggling to express something, then discussing it together
• Using AI together as a shared tool to solve a problem, such as figuring out how to fix something or brainstorming solutions
• Drafting a difficult message together and then reviewing and personalising it before sending
• Using AI for practical tasks like budgeting, planning meals, or researching a topic you're both interested in

Unhealthy AI use in relationships

• Relying on AI for emotional support instead of your partner, especially during difficult times
• Letting AI decide who's right in arguments, treating it as an objective authority
• Hiding AI conversations about the relationship or personal issues
• Using AI to craft emotional messages instead of speaking honestly in your own words
• Turning to AI for comfort instead of your partner when you're upset or struggling
• Using AI to interpret or validate your emotions without discussing them with your partner
• Consulting AI about relationship decisions before or instead of your partner
• Using AI-generated apologies as a substitute for genuine accountability
• Depending on AI to avoid difficult conversations or emotional vulnerability

The difference often comes down to this: is AI helping you connect, or is it replacing connection? If AI's making communication easier or more efficient, that's healthy. If it's becoming a substitute for intimacy, that's not.

As Sherry Turkle observes in her research, ‘Human relations are rich, demanding and messy. People tell me they like their chatbot friendship because it takes the stress out of relationships. With a chatbot friend, there's no friction, no second-guessing, no ambivalence… All that contempt for friction, second-guessing, ambivalence. What I see is features of the human condition, but those who promote artificial intimacy see as bugs.' The discomfort, negotiation, and vulnerability in human relationships aren't flaws to be engineered away – they're essential to building genuine connection and empathy.

What If You're the One Relying on AI?

If you're reading this and realising that you might be the partner who trusts AI more than your relationship, that's not something to be ashamed of. It's something to pay attention to.

Ask yourself:

• Why does talking to AI feel easier than talking to my partner?
• What am I avoiding by using AI instead of having a direct conversation?
• Am I using AI because I'm afraid of conflict, judgement, or misunderstanding?
• Would I feel comfortable if my partner knew everything I discussed with AI?
• Is AI helping me communicate better, or is it replacing communication altogether?

If AI feels safer than your partner, that says something about the relationship dynamic that's worth exploring. It might mean you don't feel heard. It might mean past conflicts have made you wary of vulnerability. It might mean you're anxious about how your partner will react. (Mind you, all of these are valid feelings – the question's whether AI's solving them or just helping you avoid addressing them.)

Those are real issues, and AI isn't the solution to them. It's a temporary workaround that can make the underlying problem worse over time. The more you rely on AI, the less practice you get at navigating difficult conversations with your partner. And the less your partner knows what's going on with you, the more distant you become.

If you recognise this pattern in yourself, consider talking to your partner about why you've been using AI. Not defensively, but honestly. ‘I've been asking ChatGPT for advice because I was nervous about how you'd react' is vulnerable, but it opens up a real conversation. And that conversation's what actually strengthens the relationship.

If This Goes Beyond Advice or Reassurance

Sometimes AI use goes beyond practical questions or occasional reassurance. If your partner's forming a deeper emotional connection with AI, treating it as a confidant, companion, or something more, that's a different issue.

Emotional bonds with AI can develop gradually. What starts as ‘just chatting' can turn into something that feels like a relationship. Your partner might be sharing intimate thoughts, seeking comfort, or even engaging in romantic or sexual conversations with an AI chatbot.

Psychologists who study human-AI relationships have raised significant concerns about these dynamics. Research published in Trends in Cognitive Sciences by social psychologist Daniel B. Shank and colleagues warns that ‘if people are engaging in romance with machines, we really need psychologists and social scientists involved'. Their research highlights that because AI relationships can seem easier than human relationships, they could interfere with human social dynamics: ‘A real worry is that people might bring expectations from their AI relationships to their human relationships.'

These concerns aren't merely theoretical. The research notes that in extreme cases, close human-AI relationships can open people up to manipulation, exploitation, and harmful advice. As the researchers explain, ‘If AIs can get people to trust them, then other people could use that to exploit AI users… The AI is getting in and developing a relationship so that they'll be trusted, but their loyalty is really towards some other group of humans that is trying to manipulate the user.'

These situations are more complicated than just using AI for advice. They involve emotional investment, secrecy, and often a shift in how your partner engages with you. If this is what you're dealing with, you're not overreacting, and you're not alone.

How to Protect Your Own Wellbeing

If your partner's reliance on AI is affecting you emotionally, you need to look after yourself while working through this. That might mean:

• Talking to a trusted friend or therapist about what you're experiencing. Resources like the NHS mental health services (for UK readers) or Mental Health America (for US readers) can help you find appropriate support
• Setting boundaries around how much you're willing to tolerate, such as ‘I need us to have direct conversations about our relationship, not filtered through AI'
• Recognising when the behaviour isn't changing, and considering what that means for the relationship.
• Not trying to compete with AI, which is an impossible and exhausting position to be in
• Acknowledging your own needs for connection, communication, and emotional intimacy

You can't force your partner to change their relationship with AI. You can only communicate clearly about what you need and decide what you're willing to accept. If your partner's unwilling to engage with your concerns or dismisses them, that tells you something important about the relationship beyond just the AI use.

When to Seek Support

If this issue's creating ongoing tension, distance, or conflict in your relationship, professional support can help. Consider:

• Couples counselling. A therapist can help you both talk about what's happening without blame or defensiveness. They can also help you identify underlying issues that AI use might be masking, such as communication problems, unmet needs, or past conflicts that never got resolved. You can find qualified therapists through the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy or Relate UK.
• Therapy focused on digital habits. Some therapists specialise in technology use and relationships. They understand how digital tools affect intimacy and can help you navigate this without making it about blame.
• Support for compulsive technology use. If your partner's AI use feels compulsive or addictive, they might benefit from individual therapy that addresses the underlying reasons they're seeking connection or validation from AI rather than from you. Resources from the Center for Humane Technology provide valuable insights into digital well-being.

Seeking support isn't an admission that the relationship's failing. It's a sign that you're taking the issue seriously and want to work through it together. If your partner's willing to engage with that process, it's a positive sign.

Is AI Your Replacement?

Your partner trusting AI more than you is rarely about replacement. It's usually a sign that communication's just being outsourced. The goal isn't to remove AI but to strengthen human connection, clarity, and trust.

AI isn't the enemy. Distance is. If an AI tool is creating distance in your relationship – whether because it's replacing conversation, undermining your perspective, or becoming a substitute for intimacy – it's the distance itself that needs to be addressed.

Talk to your partner. Set boundaries together. Focus on reconnecting in ways that feel genuine and human. And if the problem persists, get support. You deserve a relationship where you feel heard, valued, and trusted, and that's worth protecting.