How AI has changed infidelity

AI has made emotional and digital affairs easier to hide through chatbot companions, disappearing chats, AI-generated sexting and dual digital lives.

• Nearly one third of Americans have had a romantic relationship with AI, blurring the lines of what counts as cheating.
• A 2025 study found that many people form emotional connections with chatbots unintentionally whilst using AI for other purposes.
• A Kinsey Institute study found that 32% believe sexting with an AI chatbot is cheating, and 29% think that having a romantic relationship with an AI companion breaks trust.

Definitions vary by age, but the impact is the same – intimacy can now exist in places you can't easily see. Digital patterns and tools can help you understand what's really happening when they're used safely and legally. If you're unsure where digital boundaries sit for you, the article on AI relationship boundaries can help you explore that side of things.

Quick actions if something feels off

If your gut's already sounding the alarm, I want you to know you don't have to wait for a dramatic moment. Research on intuition in relationships shows that those feelings often pick up on patterns we haven't yet consciously recognised. You can start with small, safe steps that legal and relationship experts recommend.

• Notice specific changes in routines, mood and digital behaviour
• Check shared devices and accounts you already have access to
• Review joint financial activity for unusual patterns
• Pay attention to new secrecy around phones or apps
• Stay within the law where you live. Don't break into anything

Step 1: Trust what you've already noticed

Through researching this topic extensively, I've found that cheating rarely starts with one big event. Instead, it shows up as patterns over time – emotional withdrawal, changes in routine, protectiveness around devices, late nights online. That feeling that you're being kept out of part of their life.Relationship psychologists consistently note that noticing these consistent changes doesn't make you paranoid – it makes you observant and protective of yourself. Your instincts are picking up on something real.Here's where AI complicates things. Someone might be having intimate conversations with an AI chatbot, generating flirty messages, or using disappearing apps so there's no visible chat history to find. These digital behaviours leave fewer traces than traditional affairs, which is precisely why research suggests the goal at this stage isn't to prove anything. It's to acknowledge what you're seeing and give yourself permission to take it seriously.

Step 2: Look at their digital behaviour, not just their physical behaviour

Digital infidelity researchers have found that most affairs today develop through screens first. You may not see physical evidence immediately, but digital patterns often emerge well before anything happens in person. The research points to several consistent indicators.

Digital signs that something may be wrong

• Secret chats in disappearing or encrypted apps
• AI companions used for emotional intimacy or late night chats
• AI-generated sexts or flirty messages that don't sound like them
• Hidden accounts or a second phone that wasn't there before
• Sudden changes in privacy settings, passwords or lock screens
• Messages deleted immediately after reading
• Phone kept face down or taken everywhere, even to the bathroom

One sign on its own doesn't prove cheating, but when several appear together, they create a pattern worth taking seriously. And whilst you're watching digital behaviour, don't overlook the offline context either. Research shows that 85% of extramarital affairs begin at work, which means changes in work routines or sudden closeness with a colleague often matter just as much as what's happening on their phone.

Step 3: Know what's legal and what's not (in most countries and states)

What's legal when checking for cheating depends on your location, but through researching privacy laws across different jurisdictions, I've found that most agree on one principle – accessing someone's private device, accounts or messages without permission is usually illegal.This guide is for general information and isn't legal advice. Laws differ across countries and states, so please speak to a local legal professional for advice on your specific situation.I know how tempting it is to justify crossing that line. ‘But they're hiding something!' or ‘I just need to know!' But here's what legal experts consistently warn – breaking the law won't give you the clarity you're after. Instead, it'll give them ammunition and potentially harm your legal position if things end up in court. The truth matters, but so does protecting yourself legally whilst you search for it.

What you can usually do safely and legally

• Open devices that belong to you or that you jointly own
• Check shared accounts you already have access to
• Review joint financial activity
• Use existing, consensual location sharing
• Document visible, real world behaviour

What's usually illegal or very high risk

• Guessing or resetting passwords
• Installing tracking or monitoring tools without consent
• Accessing private messages you don't have permission to view
• Cloning, mirroring or intercepting a device
• Using a tracking app secretly on someone else's device

Important – Legal professionals advise that if you're preparing for separation or legal action, evidence gathered illegally can be challenged or rejected in court. Staying within your local laws isn't just about doing the right thing – it's about protecting your own interests when it matters most.

Step 4: Gather evidence safely and calmly

Based on guidance from both legal experts and relationship therapists, gathering evidence safely means building a clear, honest picture based on what you're legally allowed to see. The aim isn't to trap your partner – research shows that patterns of behaviour often matter more than a single damning screenshot.

Useful evidence you can usually collect

• Screenshots from shared devices
• Call logs from a joint phone plan
• Messages on devices you jointly own
• Joint bank statements and unusual payments
• Receipts, bookings and travel records
• Visible social media interactions

Digital forensics experts recommend storing everything in a secure folder or drive that only you can access. Don't crop or edit anything – the more original the evidence, the stronger it is if you need it later. And you might need it – according to APA cited research, around 20-40% of divorces are caused by an affair.

Step 5: Check whether your own devices have been accessed

Here's something that doesn't get talked about enough. If your partner's hiding something, there's a chance they're also trying to see what you're doing. That shifts this from a trust issue to a digital safety issue. Research from Pew Research Center found that 34% of partnered adults have looked through their partner's phone without that person's knowledge, with many discovering evidence that confirmed their suspicions.These are the warning signs on your phone that digital security professionals suggest watching for.

Signs someone may be spying on your phone

• Battery draining very quickly or overheating
• Unexpected shutdowns or glitches
• Apps you don't recognise
• New permissions you didn't grant
• Your partner knowing things they shouldn't know

Your computer can show similar signs of tampering.

• Recent files you didn't open
• Deleted or altered browser history
• New extensions or software you didn't install
• Login alerts you don't recognise

If you suspect spyware, digital security professionals recommend you don't confront them immediately – that could tip them off and give them time to cover their tracks. Instead, restore the device safely or speak to a digital security professional who can help you document what's happening.If you're unsure whether your devices have been tampered with, the article on signs of digital snooping walks through the most common indicators in more detail. You can also look at the guide on verifying someone's identity online if hidden accounts or unusual behaviour are part of what you've noticed.

Step 6: Use transparency tools, not secret tracking

Transparency tools differ from secret tracking in one critical way – consent. When trust's damaged, many people turn to digital tools to get clarity, and through my research, I've found there are two main types. Some are designed to help you spot patterns of behaviour. Others help couples rebuild trust through shared visibility. But here's the essential part – these tools are only legal when both people know about them and agree to use them.Now, what happens if your partner refuses every form of transparency, even basic shared location? Relationship therapists note that resistance itself becomes information. People who genuinely want to rebuild trust often welcome some level of accountability – they understand that transparency helps heal what secrecy damaged. If you're exploring what healthy visibility looks like in practice, you may find it useful to read about creating a digital honesty agreement.

Step 7: Speak to a legal professional if you need to

Legal experts consistently advise that speaking to a professional early can protect your rights and help you understand your options before you make any major decisions. If you're considering separation, divorce or formal action – or if children, shared assets or safety are involved – legal advice isn't optional. It's essential.A legal professional can help you understand what evidence is acceptable where you live, which actions could harm your legal position, how to protect shared finances, and how to secure your digital accounts.This step becomes especially important if there's any form of digital abuse, coercion or financial control happening. Those aren't just relationship problems – they're legal issues that require professional guidance to navigate safely.

Step 8: How to confront your partner safely

Research on difficult conversations in relationships suggests that confronting your partner safely means prioritising clarity over conflict. This isn't about building a case or winning an argument – it's about creating space for truth. Plan what to say, choose a calm moment when you won't be interrupted, and remember this essential point. You're not asking for proof. You're asking for truth.Relationship therapists suggest framing it like this. ‘I've noticed consistent changes in your behaviour and I need clarity.' Or perhaps, ‘I'm not here to argue. I need honesty so I can decide what's next for me.' Some people find it helpful to say, ‘I want to talk about what trust would have to look like for this to feel safe again.'These conversations are never easy, and the outcomes aren't always what we hope for. A National Institutes of Health study found that infidelity is the second most cited reason for divorce at 59.6%.

Step 9: If you want to rebuild trust

Rebuilding trust after infidelity is possible when both people genuinely commit to the work. According to peer reviewed research, many couples can recover with proper support – but it requires more than just saying sorry. It requires new foundations.Relationship therapists recommend that setting clear expectations early can help this process feel safer for both of you. A digital honesty agreement can make these conversations more structured and less emotionally charged. It may also help to understand AI relationship boundaries, especially if AI use was part of what damaged trust in the first place. And if questions about whether AI intimacy counts as cheating or whether your partner relies on AI more than you are still on your mind, those guides can offer the clarity you need to move forward.

Step 10: If you're preparing to leave

If leaving feels like the safest or healthiest option, your focus needs to shift from gathering evidence to protecting yourself. Digital safety experts recommend securing your digital life before you have the conversation about separating – this isn't about being sneaky, it's about ensuring you maintain control of your own accounts, devices and information.Change passwords, turn off shared location, secure your devices, update bank logins and PINs, remove shared devices, and back up important documents.These steps aren't just practical – they're about reclaiming your autonomy and creating the space you need to move forward safely. You deserve safety, clarity and peace of mind, and sometimes the path to all three means choosing yourself first.

What Next?

Trust isn't something you owe blindly. It's earned and maintained through consistent behaviour, and when it's broken, you're allowed to protect yourself.

Some relationships survive infidelity and come out stronger. Others don't, and that's okay too. What matters most isn't whether you stay or leave – it's whether you feel safe, respected and valued in whatever you choose.Take your time with this. Get proper support, whether that's legal advice, therapy or trusted friends who'll listen without judgement. You didn't create this situation, and you're not responsible for fixing it alone. But you do get to choose what happens next. Choosing yourself isn't selfish. It's necessary.